randomfriday

I’ve been awake for an hour and this morning is already strange.

1. I had one of those unpleasant dreams that stay with you for a while after you wake up. It started out just being weird… I was at this enormous mall/museum with stores I’ve never heard of. I only remember bits and pieces but there something about a person having sex with a mummy-mannequin that turned out to be a real person. Then, at one end of the mall the steep staircase had been replaced by an even steeper granite-tiled wall/floor that I couldn’t climb up no matter how hard I tried (thanks, Freud, for sneaking that one in there.) Anyway, the dream then morphed into including CJ the ex, which is always a fun time of course. He showed up at the mall and evidently we were still together but I was just about to break up with him. He had no idea in my dream though and did something that completely turned my stomach (no idea what, probably something insignificant.) I just remember looking him in the eyes and feeling a complete lack of love or affection; the only thing I felt toward him was pity. I think I was about to leave him forever at that strange mall when my alarm shocked me awake. I woke up feeling a heavy sense of pity and confusion, alternating with anger at him for popping up in my dream three months later. Then, in my mind’s attempt at humor, I woke up with NSync’s “Bye Bye Bye” in my head.

2. On my walk to the bus stop, I passed the same apartment complex that I’ve been passing for weeks now but this time I saw something in the upper-right corner of my peripheral vision. There, perched on the edge of the roof was an owl and it scared the living shit out of me. Then, I noticed it was fake. That was almost creepier actually haha.

3. Once I reached the bus stop about two minutes later, I sat down on the stoop and heard the sound of cans hitting the ground. A little ways behind me (never been able to measure things in yards like everyone else evidently can) is a dumpster with a cart parked in front of it. There’s a person deep inside the dumpster, throwing cans overboard to be crushed and recycled later. A few minutes later, a car pulls past me and into the parking lot, blaring what sounds like Kanye West. A young man jumps out, walks over to the dumpster and the two have a conversation I can’t hear over the music. After a bit, he comes back towards the car and motions for my attention. I take off my ipod and he asks if I am waiting for the bus, I say yes. Then he says he’s going to Walmart if I wanted a ride since it’s about to rain. I say I’m going to the student center but that I really appreciate the offer. I’m guessing this is what he offered the homeless man as well and it caught me off guard. Not that I needed a ride to Walmart or anything but it was nice because most people don’t offer. (Then again I’m probably naive, yet paranoid enough not to get into a car with someone I don’t know.) Going to assume he was just being nice this time though.

Now I’m stuck at work and it’s pouring outside. Counting down the hours until 2:30 when I can go home for a nap.

little visitor

So last weekend, D. and I went to visit my family at their new house and on Sunday, we decided to bring my sister L.A. back with us for a couple of days. The original plan was that my mom and grandma would come on Wednesday to pick her up, but by Tuesday we switched the plans so that she’d stay until Saturday. It’s been really great having her here… I took her to my creative writing class a few times, showed her the campus, and introduced her to the wonders of the free campus bus system. She was amazed that students were allowed to visit myspace and facebook from campus computers and that teachers and students could cuss in class. Actually, yesterday most of my creative writing class was spent discussing sex which was pretty hilarious/awkward to sit through for her I’m sure. She’ll be sixteen in less than two weeks so it’s not like she couldn’t handle listening in, but our cheeks were both a little flushed throughout the class period.

She and D. have been getting along really well, too (or as well as a self-conscious teenage girl can with her sister’s cute 22-year-old boyfriend.) He escourted us to the mall earlier in the week and took L.A. to Wendy’s on Wednesday when she’d been home alone for the whole day. By now, we mostly just around and make fun of each other while watching King of Queens and playing ridiculous board games. On multiple occasions I’ve looked around my makeshift living room to see two of my favorite people hanging out and have felt very lucky to be where I am.

Hiatus in recapitulation

(As a side-note, I have always been fond of the word recapitulation and feel sad when I find myself saying “recap” instead because it robs the world of such a neat word.)

For those of you who found this blog through my old one, I feel that I should provide some sort of explanation for my two-month hiatus. In short: I broke up with CJ and didn’t have the time or energy to write on a website that had so much history (or one that he read regularly, obviously.)

In a little less short: Since last summer, I had a sneaking suspicion that our relationship was just not at all right. I found myself feeling emotionally abused, falling out of love, and losing my sense of self slowly but surely. Because I entered the relationship so young (just months before turning eighteen) and because  it was my first serious/long-term relationship, I didn’t know how to handle the situation.. so basically I didn’t handle it. Didn’t talk to my friends or family about it and didn’t address the issue in counseling. I did post occasionally on message boards to get feedback and my posts were always met with the advice of “get the fuck out.” Finally, after various factors intertwined I got the courage to leave and that’s when shit hit the fan.

For me, the breakup was ugly but decidedly full of relief. For him, however, it was earth-shattering with hints of rage and self-deprecation. Now CJ is supposedly going to be moving out of state and my parents have moved as well, so there’s basically no worries of seeing him again. In the meantime, I’ve moved into a new apartment, landed a new and totally different job, and started developing my life and self all over again. Part of that life was creating this new blog and email address just to further distance myself from the situation. Basically, life has consistently gotten better in the past few months which solidifies the fact that I made the right decision. My only regret was that I didn’t do it sooner.

Hole-y Water

In my teensy new studio apartment, there is a pesky water heater cabinet with doors that won’t shut. This has been a minor annoyance but definitely not worth complaining about. Yesterday however, while D. and I were eating lunch, my neighbor knocks on the door and informs me of another, slightly more disturbing quirk about that cabinet. As it turns out, in the six weeks I’ve been living in the apartment, there has been a sizable hole in the thin wall that separates her cabinet from mine. I open my cabinet and sure enough, there it is, lurking just behind my water heater and probably about the size of a large person’s head. (Or even a small person’s who has an enormous head. Anyway, it’s good sized.) It’s only visible when my neighbor’s doors are open, otherwise the wall just looks dark and goes unnoticed. Problem is that her doors won’t stay shut either now and she informs me, nicely, that she can hear things from my apartment. She says she’s going to talk to maintenance but wanted to run it by me first since it’s technically my wall as well.

At this point, I’m too embarrassed to say anything but, “oh, hey sure, of course” and “i’m sorry” as my face reddens. She says it’s no problem but she just doesn’t want to eaves drop… she’s really nice about it. After she leaves, D. and I pretty much just say “holy shit” a lot (quietly of course, since she can probably hear.) My mind starts racing about everything I’ve said and done in the last six weeks.. play music and movies loudly, talk about armpit smells and farts with D., come home drunk, discuss vibrators with my mother of all people, etc. Oh, and of course, D. always sleeps over and I’m sure you can sense what else she’s probably been privy to.

The maintenance guy says he’s going to have to tear out both our water heaters to patch the hole. The guy says there will probably be one whole day when my water will be turned off. Says he’ll have to make a big mess and I’ll need to move anything near that closet. It’ll probably be loud and I’ll probably want to stay elsewhere that day. The whole time I’m nodding and saying “okay” all over the place. Really though, I’m just thanking imaginary gods that I’m not that much of a “moaner” and not living next to a small family or older couple.

Blog: take two.

After stumbling upon the free world of wordpress, I decided to take another stab at blogging. My previous site lasted about two weeks shy of two years and, in hindsight, did an increasingly more pathetic job at “chronicaling my wisdom” (as Arthur would say.) Not that there was much wisdom to behold, but that’s besides the point.

Anywho, as I said when I started the other blog, we’ll see how long this lasts. If I stick with this past a year I’ll be surprised (…but then again I never thought I could post every day last November for NaBloPoMo so evidently I have a habit of doubting my own potential.)

Until next time…