honesty rears its ugly head.

I’m writing this because I’ve had enough alcohol to be in the honest stage.

Up until a few weeks ago I was in this “fuck love” mental state, denying the existence of ‘true love’ and eternal happiness and all of that (basically saying that even if it exists, I want no part of it.) This all stemmed from a series of serious relationships that, for some reason or another, crashed and burned and left me with little in terms of hope or standards. I was pretty much okay with this attitude until just the other day. Since it’s christmas time, my family has gotten together and I’ve been able to talk to one of my cousins who I hadn’t seen in two years. The entire time I’d known him (basically 19 years) he was pretty immature and, at times, fucking annoying (as all teenagers can be.) Suddenly, though, he has become this person who is not only in a committed relationship but engaged for fuck’s sake. I haven’t met his fiance yet, but I’ve heard she’s extremely nice and will fit right in with our strange family. The part I can’t digest is this transformation I see within my cousin. Suddenly he’s talking about saving for a mortgage and how he cooks certain things because of his fiance’s health problems.

It’s extremely sweet – this caring, concerned, mature young man – but it’s somewhat jarring compared to what I am used to. It has shifted my own life view and priorities. I, myself, was engaged for over a year just ten months ago but that relationship was nowhere near this healthy and loving. Suddenly, I am envious and want someone that I can worry about, and who worries about me. I don’t necessarily want a mortgage or kids but I find myself craving that feeling of utter commitment and unabashed love. It’s so unlike me that I am having a difficult time coming to terms with it. Something about someone nearly my age finding what seems to be a storybook relationship that just knocks me off balance. The point is – I’m incredibly happy for my cousin and I wish the absolute best for the two of them… (and if nothing else, I wish they could know that they have given me hope.)

Hopefully that rant made some sort of sense

new addition

My sister and I exchanged Christmas gifts early this year because I got her a movie that she wouldn’t want to watch outside of the holiday season. (It’s not my fault she thinks that Jim Carrey’s version of The Grinch.. is better than the cartoon original.)

She gave me a $20 PetSmart giftcard which I was pretty pumped about. Today, Mom and I went to use it and I came out with a litter box with scoop, flushable hippie-cat litter, and a bright red harness and leash. You may be asking, “but Kate, you don’t have a cat… do you?” And I would answer: No.

Not yet, anyway. BUT in just a few short weeks I will return home from Christmas break and one of my coworkers will deliver to me a new furry black family member… I could not be more excited. This will be the first pet I’ve ever owned by myself and the first cat I’ve had since second grade. I already have organic cat treats and a few cute toys… the little guy is going to be more eco-friendly than I am. While I have not met him yet, my coworker says he’s awesome – likes to cuddle and go on walks, is pretty easy-going, and is already neutered. Yippee!

For now, I shall wait patiently, twiddling my thumbs while researching the best cat food or something.

fun with L.A.

so i’m in st louis hanging out with my sister and we decided to spin and jump around like little kids…

(me)

(her)

quittin’ time

[First of all, L.A. is doing better. The antibiotics are starting to work and she's finally able to drink a little. She'll probably be in the hospital for a couple more days while they keep an eye on her.]

Yesterday morning I went into work planning to quit my job at the student center. I’ve been there for a year and it’s been boring the hell out of me for the past few months. Plus, the girl I used to be best friends with works there and she is no longer speaking to me (hi, long story) so it’s been… awkward. So I got there and of course find out that Sr.Boss was taking the day off. Just my luck – the one time I actually want my boss to be there. So, this morning I go in again and he’s there. I tell him that I’m sorry but I want to put in my two weeks’ notice and, surprisingly, he is shocked and sad. Apparently he liked working with me and hadn’t really noticed that my work quality has been far less than stellar lately. Immediately I feel the oh so familiar sense of guilt and obligation and almost agree to stay around, but then I realize that it would be a dumb move. I decide in the end to stay an extra week until the end of July and just work a few days each week. To be honest, I need the money… but I also do feel bad for leaving.

It all felt very familiar; two years ago before going to college, I tried to quit my job at the computer store where I’d worked for a few years so that I could get things ready for school. I’m unemployed for a week and they call asking if I could come back to fill in and train another person. Of course I go and end up cutting my pre-college vacation down to a few days rather than a few weeks.

Anyone else feel like they were born with an enlarged sense of obligation? It’s like a disease where my heart/guilt completely overrides my (already limited) common sense. It’s a damn good thing minimum wage in Illinois just went up… softens the blow a bit.

Burst

My dad just called from the hospital in St. Louis. My sister had been complaining of stomach pain and running a fever all weekend but we thought it was a virus and a pulled abdomen (from rough rides at Six Flags last week.) Instead it was a ruptured appendix that is infected fairly badly. They have her on antibiotics and pain medication and she’s been resting a lot since they went to the hospital last night. Apparently the rupture wasn’t too severe because there’s no fluids around it, so they’ll just be watching her after the infection goes away.

Dad said they’ll probably schedule surgery in a few weeks after the monitor everything.. I still don’t understand why they’re waiting that long after the infection goes away, but that’s not my call. He said the worst part about the whole thing is that the medicine is administered through an I.V. and my sister is terrified of needles. I can definitely relate – when I had surgery to remove kidney stones, the I.V. was the scariest part. She will be fine after they get everything cleared up, but I feel terrible for her.

I don’t know what it is with our family. In 2004, I had kidney stones for the first time which resulted in surgery. Then almost a year later, my mom had major gall stones and had her gallbladder removed. Then last November, I passed another (smaller) kidney stone. Now poor L.A.’s appendix gets a shot at the emergency room.

little visitor

So last weekend, D. and I went to visit my family at their new house and on Sunday, we decided to bring my sister L.A. back with us for a couple of days. The original plan was that my mom and grandma would come on Wednesday to pick her up, but by Tuesday we switched the plans so that she’d stay until Saturday. It’s been really great having her here… I took her to my creative writing class a few times, showed her the campus, and introduced her to the wonders of the free campus bus system. She was amazed that students were allowed to visit myspace and facebook from campus computers and that teachers and students could cuss in class. Actually, yesterday most of my creative writing class was spent discussing sex which was pretty hilarious/awkward to sit through for her I’m sure. She’ll be sixteen in less than two weeks so it’s not like she couldn’t handle listening in, but our cheeks were both a little flushed throughout the class period.

She and D. have been getting along really well, too (or as well as a self-conscious teenage girl can with her sister’s cute 22-year-old boyfriend.) He escourted us to the mall earlier in the week and took L.A. to Wendy’s on Wednesday when she’d been home alone for the whole day. By now, we mostly just around and make fun of each other while watching King of Queens and playing ridiculous board games. On multiple occasions I’ve looked around my makeshift living room to see two of my favorite people hanging out and have felt very lucky to be where I am.